It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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