I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
