Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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