is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
