Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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