And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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