I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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