There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
