My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
