The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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