you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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