Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
