I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize