I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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