Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
