We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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