I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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