i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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