Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The best revenge is premature balding
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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