Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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