i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
