When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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