My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize