my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
