Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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