WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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