I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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