I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
