Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
he just fucked me for my cheese.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
