I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
