Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
