Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize