Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
