i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
