I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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