i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You're like the curious george of whores
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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