There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
