I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
