I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My cat gives me a boner
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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