i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
