Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
