mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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