I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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