is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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