I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
