This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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