I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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