dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
