We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
