you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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