Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
