Just fell off a train. Bad.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize