everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
