If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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