Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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