He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize