Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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