so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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