wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
