I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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