I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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