bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
