I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
