Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
