I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
