Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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