You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
