turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
