may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
