at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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