Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am naked and annoyed.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
