Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
