The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize